The Rantings of My Philosophical Madman

10/23/2009

I have always walked outside the lines, the boundaries, as if my out-of-the-conventional-box thought process influences the way I walk, like a metaphor. I feel my humanity, I feel I am a apart of the group, and I enjoy being one with my fellow inhabitants of this earth.

But I also feel I am an individual, and in striving to be/do the best that I can do, spiritually and physically, I am apart. We all should be searching as the Buddha taught us to seek our own path toward betterment, growth and, ultimately, enlightenment. I too often fail to see this around me and it frustrates the hell out of me. Where are my brothers and sisters?

This may be why that I have never got on with authority, from my parents on up to my friends, mentors and teachers, and even those that have helped me learn, grow and be. I revere my family, friends and teachers, without whom I would not be here today. I love them.

Still, at the slightest imposition on my will the spirit within me lights on high, like bug-spray on a campfire. I try to change, sometimes succeeding, but too often authority appears meaningless and restrictive, demeaning and demoniac.

So, with my bleeding heart I do fight with every fiber of my being for all that I believe in. Unfortunately, I often step on the opinions of those around me, but the majority of the time this is not on purpose. My mind is not closed, but stubborn, and there are times where a valued perspective may feel imposing or wrong to me, and I invoke the rage I set loose upon authority. To my loved ones, who I am sure have been stricken by my words, please realize that I was more often unaware of my hurtful actions; I was blinded by the same drive that makes me a fan of more that goes on in this world than I could ever wrap my head around.

I want to spend eternity increasing my mind, body and soul of such, and I cannot. I am a frustrated man. I am truly sorry for when I have been myself, Rob, an ass, and all of the other innumerable things that I have been or at least thought to call myself.

R.J.H. 10/23/09

4 Comments

Beer Drinkers and Hell Raisers

10/24/2009 03:27:05 pm

We all gotta raise some hell once in a while. Makes life fun.

Anne Sumner

7/14/2010 06:06:40 pm

I empathize.
I have often felt boxed in , trapped, when adhering to certain societal expectations, and popular opinion. I have often felt a deep discomfort, as if I were merely playing a part in a play that I didn't quite"get."
With experiencing some danged kick in the ass life lessons, and suffering bouts of emotional teething pain, I continue to evolve. I question authority, I bend when I need to, and more often than not as of late, I keep certain opinions to myself. It seems that in the past, I tended to see things in a more black and white fashion. if I did not see eye to eye with someone else , I felt compelled to challenge them , to impose my way of thinking , to get my proverbial panties in the proverbial bunch.
Ouch.
As of late, I feel very little need or desire to do any of this. For one thing, it uses up way too much energy. Secondly, I find myself caring a lot less what others think of me , and my opinions, and/ or how I choose to live my life. I like to keep the peace. Most importantly, I tend to listen more to what others are saying.I have been surprised to realize that there ARE other ways of looking at things- really, But that doesn't mean that I have to agree.I can 'agree to disagree." I don't have to agree with everyone. I find it interesting to hear others' opposing/ alternate views. I am learning, more, to respect others' opinions/ life choices/strangeness.
That doesn't mean that I have become vanilla, neutral , and/ or bland. It doesn't mean that I have folded, given up or given in.It doesn't mean that I have most of, or all of the answers. And I am still asking the questions.
I certainly will not ever again sell my soul down the river, or live my life like Russia under the Mongolian yoke.And it certainly doesn't mean that every now and then I won't want to open up that giant can of whoop-ass on somebody. It doesn't mean that I won't ague any point near and dear to my heart should the occasion call for it.It does not mean that I am not outrageously passionate about certain things..
I admittedly do NOT suffer fools easily.
Rude, pushy, cruel , cold, , nit- picking people can push my buttons.I'm workin' on that.

I pick my battles.I don't feel a need to prove myself to anyone. It's not my job to force my opinions on anyone else, unless its a matter in which I feel utterly compelled to do so.
I am certainly more mellow, less reactive, more open, and perhaps, just perhaps , a lot more laid back. Feels good.
Not that I am perfect, or that i would presume to think that I know it all . Or even most of it all. I AM learning what works- for me.

And who knows? Nothing stays constant in this life. Even so, I seriously doubt that I would make any drastic changes in my sidewalk act.

And nooo, i don't think I will always play it safe. I do like to colour outside of the lines.

Having had the scales tipped dangerously in one direction or another at times, I appreciate the sweet balance in my life .

And as Emily sez:

" This gave me that precarious gait- that's called experience."

I believe that the impetus to change can only come from deep inside of ourselves ; when one realizes that its non - negotiable, and without a doubt absolutely positively a bazillion percent necessary.Yes, the initial prompting, the light bulb moment, may come from an outside source/ event/ whatever, but deep inside, we know.

R.J.H.

7/15/2010 12:50:50 pm

Anne,

Thank you so much for this. You have poured out a bit of your heart, mind and soul here, and I would have to give my opinion...which is to say that your outlook is wise! Very wise in fact. I am of a similar mind in many respects, although I still try to actively speak out against various things that upset me greatly. I understand different points of view, or try to, on these things and yet I fuel energy into trying to allow everyone to change from the depths of ourselves, like you said. Laid back, but independent in view and mind is a great way to be Anne. I salute you!

RJ

Anne

7/15/2010 03:21:47 pm

Thanks, RJ. I admire your passions in life. You are taking the time to savor life, which is in my book, very important. Too often we can skip from one thing into another, without really taking the time to observe- and digest- what is really going on. Introspection rocks, even tho it can be painful at times. But how else do we learn? How else do we appreciate being in the moment???
Once one of my sociology profs commented on one of my papers: " your sense of self awareness is a virtue, even though it is painful at times." Well, yeah.
and the fruit doesn't grow on the mountain tops; it grows in the valleys.
I think that self- knowledge is the best higher education that we can experience....
I don't have to hit anyone over the head to get my point across, altho sometimes I certainly would like to do that!!!!!Sometimes I think that people may absorb what I have said, and hopefully " get it" later. and if they don't- oh well. I put it out there.I try to remember that mine is not the only opinion that counts.
Putting thoughts to paper( or blog) is so soul satisfying. It gets things off your chest. It puts things into perspective. It is delicious.
'give words to thoughts.."
It's a creation. It's a performance. Its a gift to yourself, and maybe others. It stirs the pot. It is a becoming.it gives voice to pain, imagination, irreverence, fantasy.
My acquired sense of serenity has been hard won, and is ALWAYS a work in progress.sometimes its survival mode. sometimes its screaming outward.( but with the sound turned off. ) Sometimes it is running rampantly out of control under my skin.

I want to always appreciate what is good in my life.
And I want to let my freak flag fly and say, this is who I am!!!!!
I have to wonder what kind of things / issues/ concerns prompt you to speak out. And do you think that you are being heard? And what do you do if you feel that you are not being heard?
One thing that upsets me a great deal is if I feel that I am not being understood , and especially if i am misjudged.That is my achilles heel.
Yours???
And I wasn't always so laid back. I learned that pushing my thoughts on others tended to turn some people off. and beating the crap out of them( figuratively, not literally) didn't seem to work.Might have felt good and righteous at the moment, but in the long and short of it, I expended a whole lot of energy for nothing.
Just made me look ( and feel!) like a cranky, opinionated beeyotch. Which is what I might very well be at times.Afterwards, tho- I see that I accomplish little that way.And I give others ammunition , and I am no longer credible.Duh.
Now if someone really intentionally fucks with me.or someone I love...the gloves are off. The ohm is out the window. But this too, I am learning to temper..I would rather walk away..
and try not to think about revenge.Or payback.( tho it COULD be fun) Not always easy to let things go, even when you KNOW that you are right , and almost justified.....but, ah, takes two to tango, two to argue a point, two to make a rug( one to lie down , the other to walk on them)
Better to smile and walk away then....It will confuse the crap out of them. And get your very own endorphins cooking,
I think that once we put ourselves in a position of conflict, and negativity, we lose.
And I would rather find sumthin to smile about.
There is sooo much, so many things that can cultivate joy. let's go there, shall we?
nice ranting with you.

The Rantings of My Philosophical Madman

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